I did a writing exercise this week. The assignment was to write a letter to my soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBX) thanking him for the things I have learned from this experience.
That was a challenging bit of writing. It would be easier to rant and rave and blame and dissolve into self-pity. After all, when you take a critical look at the last ten years, if any one deserves a nervous breakdown, it is me. And I'm not... well, not yet. I have one scheduled for next month when I am homeless and jobless and husbandless and doing the single-mom thing full time.
Dear STBX,
Thank you for the last ten years of my life. This time has not been wasted nor in vain. I have learned several valuable lessons from this experience, and I would like to share with you my gratitude.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to finally learn the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion. I had no self-esteem during and after my relationship with you. It showed in my lack of self-respect and unhealthful boundaries. I kept giving and accommodating in the hope that if I just sacrificed a little bit more of myself, I would be worth your notice, your time, your affection. I died inside when you would disagree with me and instead of talking about it, you would use silence to hurt me. I blamed myself for your rage and screaming and belittling behavior, because you said I left you no choice and I believed you. Self-compassion has taught me that I can only do what I can do when I can do it, and that I have to love myself first, and respect myself. This gives me the strength of character to finally tell you what you are doing is wrong, and that I will no longer sacrifice my values and character to help you feel comfortable with your choices. My self-compassion is not affected by your infidelity, your lies, or your cruelty. It is the one thing you cannot take away from me. It it my right as a Child of God to be treated with dignity and respect, and by all that is holy, I will fight for that right and demand it from all and sundry - because I deserve it.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to truly understand there is a difference between what people perceive of an experience and my lived reality. One of the things you throw in my face every time we fight is that I have not finished my Master's degree yet, and you have. And that you started after I did. You present this as evidence of some personal flaw that reflects a defect in my character. I took your barbs and accusations as truth until lately. I thought you were right to continually tear me down. And then my mother helped me understand the truth: I have been working two adjunct faculty positions with an average of 18 to 20 hours a term for the last five years. I have adjusted to having my life ripped apart by infidelity, lies, and abuse. I have kept my house clean, my child fed, functioning, and thriving. I have worked on my thesis, but admittedly it was not a priority. Survival was. I have been patient with your affair(s?), believing you when you said you needed time and space, and living every day with the expectation that I would be handed divorce papers if I didn't do what you wanted, or I would be kicked out of my home, or there would be another argument that would leave me suicidal for weeks on end.
You may feel entitled to pass whatever judgment you wish on my completing or not completing my thesis. It is not my concern. I know the reality of my life, and it doesn't match with your perception. My thesis wasn't finished on your time schedule because I had to focus on other things to survive. I did not have the luxury of a supportive partner, or someone who was willing to take over 90% of my childcare responsibilities. I did the best I could do with what I could do, and looking back, I still don't see where I could - realistically - make choices different than the ones I made.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore the depth of my character. I cheated on my first husband with you. I could (and did) justify my behavior by saying my marriage was over, that I just needed to pay for the divorce. It doesn't change the fact that the behavior was wrong. I hated how my behavior made me feel. I went to Confession. I confessed to and apologized to my ex-husband. And then I made damn sure the situation could never happen again. I couldn't really put into words my experience until last week when one of my students spoke on character. She said, "People are stupid. They make mistakes and poor choices. It is part of being human. That isn't someone's character. People's character is revealed after they mess up." I made sure that I never put myself in a situation where my fidelity could be questioned. You were that important to me. Even when meeting a male friend for the first time in twenty years, I made damn sure we stayed in the overcrowded food court at the convention center. I even cancelled a feis trip because I realized there might be even a hint of impropriety. I wasn't willing to risk our relationship on even the perception of infidelity. That is the truth of my character.
I would like to thank you for showing me what true disrespect looks like so I can avoid it in the future. Having me house sit while you take your mistress out of town to a convention is disrespectful. Having your mistress there when I drop our son off for visitation, is disrespectful. Taking your mistress to a holiday party where I have also been invited is disrespectful. Planning to bring your mistress to your son's performance while I am there is disrespectful. Bringing your mistress to my house is disrespectful. Telling me of the horrible names you call me, your tendency to bad mouth me, and that you allow your mistress to badmouth me, is disrespectful. Having unprotected sex with me while having an affair with her is disrespectful. And just so you know - yes, I did finally figure out that you were hitting me up for sex after spending the weekend with her last month.
Mostly, I want to thank you for teaching me self-respect and self-love. I filed for divorce because you were very clear there was nothing to discuss. You did not give marital counseling an honest try, because you were already seeing your mistress. You didn't see the point of divorce counseling. You played Russian roulette with my life by having unprotected sex with me and exposing me to whatever you and your mistress have been exposed to AND dismissed your behavior as being appropriate because of your gender. I could choose to stay married to you until you decided to file - the whole time with the threat of divorce over my head if I didn't behave and do what you wanted. I chose to stop the insanity. I could choose to stay married to you for health insurance, but the stress of trying to second-guess your behavior was killing me. I chose to stop playing the game. I could stay and continue to subject myself to periodic interrogations about how I spent money or managed my finances. I chose to walk away. I could stay - knowing you were posting pictures of your affair on Facebook, openly taking her around town, and introducing her to our friends, or I could stop the humiliation of my husband openly having an affair. I chose me over you. I chose my self-respect and dignity over you.
Most of all, I want to thank you for teaching me that I do have the capacity for love. Real love. Real commitment. Real happiness. I know how to work on myself, and love myself, and be ok with myself. I hurt right now. I feel angry and betrayed and I grieve over the things that might have been - because I did love you, and love like that isn't something that is found every day. I still don't want a divorce. I know a divorce is the most healthful choice for me and for my son, and ultimately for you. I know that a divorce is the right choice to make. I still miss my husband - or at least the idea of him. I miss the security of trusting someone completely. I miss my home - my cat is buried in the yard, and our kids planted the tree in the front yard. I miss our rituals - I am still not sure how I am going to watch Dr. Who this season. Hell, some days I miss your habit of picking your toenails on the couch - only very occasionally though. It grossed me the hell out, and that is when I know I am having a pretty rough day, and need to be exceptionally gentle with myself.
Thank you for teaching me how to forgive. I have learned that forgiveness isn't a 'once and done' sort of thing. Sometimes I have to forgive you multiple times a minute. But I have also learned that forgiveness has exactly zero to do with you. It is about me, and not letting the weight of your choices and character weigh me down. I was serious when I said I could forgive the infidelity, the screaming and abuse (as long as you agreed to therapy), and the deception. You would have to ask. And I don't even know how to begin trusting you again. But I can and do forgive you.
Ultimately, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be tested by fire. I think I am a better person because of this experience. I have more patience for the things that need patience, and less tolerance for bull shit and disrespect. I have developed the capacity for love and forgiveness and compassion. I also know that your infidelity was your choice. A choice that had nothing to do with me. It is not my fault, and not my responsibility.
Thank you for the circumstances that made me learn to be a grownup. I look forward to spending the rest of my life figuring out who this grownup is. I sincerely wish you the best. May your bedside nurse never be named Bertha.
Your loving, soon-to-be-ex-wife.
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