NPC

A while back a friend posted something about not being an NPC in their own life... and of course, now I can't find it to give credit.

It is something that has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks.

First, an NPC is a non-player character in role playing games. It is someone that the game master usually controls and only exists to move the plot along for the "real" characters - those played by humans. And I realized that it described my life... and I vomited.

And then I picked myself up, and decided to kick the fucking door in. <-- another gaming reference.

I had to take responsibility for my life. Make choices. Move forward. Live by what I know to be right.

I didn't take 10 to check for traps. I didn't consult with the game master. I checked the player's handbook, conferred with my copy of the GM handbook, and kicked. the. door. in.

Since then, I've been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. It is scary being the first person through the door, especially when you know you are in the dungeon alone. Mostly though - I'm ok.

Seriously. Panic aside... I really think I am ok. I am responsible for my choices, and I am ok with that. I have a plan - or at least a general direction in which I am headed.  I'll work out the details when I get to  the next fork in the path (always go to the left, btw).

I refuse to be an NPC in my own life - ever. again.