Why Would Anyone DO This?

A friend who reads this blog asked me a question a few weeks ago, "Why would anyone want to read this? It is pain. It is a total downer, and no one needs this!"

Which is why I haven't posted for a while. I had to think about what they said. Was I really wasting my time? Was I engaging in emotional exhibitionism?

And then I had to take a domestic violence class this weekend. It really was a horrible class - on multiple levels.

(1) This was a professional development class. I knew the topic going in the door. I knew that there was the possibility of trauma triggers, but it was "professional" - um. no. Somehow the prof didn't get that memo. Random readings from a DV textbook + Lifetime movies = NOT professional.... ended up with my sweater over my head, fingers in my ears, humming "The Sound of Music" to keep out the sound of screaming from the screen.

(2) The class was filled with "professionals" and pre-professionals in the social work and criminal justice fields, and their heads were being filled with ideas like, "women are the victims" and "you can tell who a victim is just by looking at them" and that "once a DV victim - always a DV victim." My horror was waging with my desire for privacy. Whilst I am willing to be open and honest here. I'm not so much willing to spread my business in public - where I have to look at these people again.

So - yes. I do need to share this. The good, the bad, the ugly - and the painful.

Mostly because people (not just women) who are experiencing domestic violence or abuse or molestation often feel alone. In the depths of my depression and isolation, I **knew** that I was the only person in the world experiencing that kind of pain. I couldn't share with other people, because no one believed me. The reflection I was seeing of myself was that I was so broken and worthless, that I deserved the pain.

When someone goes looking for some connection to the rest of humanity - for some sign that what they are experiencing is real - and that there is hope, I hope they find this. Yes. It is painful. So is being abused. Yes, it is unpleasant. So are the lies we tell ourselves to make it through each day.

More importantly - the resources available on the internet and on the inside of bathroom doors all focus on the "getting away" decision. And there just aren't support stories for after. The times where doubt and fear and loneliness and shame have you standing at the door ready to beg to come back. They don't address the times in the middle of the night when you wake crying, desperate to reach out for someone in the night.

Lots of "happy ever after" stories, but nothing for those walking the path. Nothing for those of us learning how to walk. This is for those folks. A fragile thread that connects the human experience for people who are barely hanging on themselves.

Dear People Learning to be Professionals,
          Domestic violence is experienced by folks of all sexes and all genders and all ages from all walks of life. You cannot tell who suffers just by looking at them. Domestic violence is more than hitting. Wounds from words, from silence, from distance, from financial manipulation are still wounds. Our legal system has only recognized domestic violence (battering) as a crime in the last 40 years. This is not enough time for the social values represented by those laws to fully become social norms in society. This means that folks who experience domestic violence need support before, during, and after leaving the situation. This also means that people experiencing domestic violence may not even understand that is what is happening to them, and that they may blame themselves for the violence in their lives.
          Please, these folks - **I** - don't need your patronizing rescue fantasies.  We need support. We need to hear that we can learn different ways of talking to ourselves. We need to hear that we need to take care of ourselves first, and that we aren't being selfish by taking care of ourselves. We are strong people. By standing in front of you - by surviving - we are the strongest people you will ever meet. We need to learn to treat ourselves with respect and dignity and compassion. Don't write us off because we get scared and go back. We are humans, and we are terrified. Don't judge us until you have walked in our shoes, until you have felt our pain, and cried our tears. You do not have that right.

Learn compassion before judgement.

Thank you.
A.

Hate is a dangerous word

When my kids were little, they would get mad and scream, "I hate you!" We - and that is an inclusive we - would tell them, "You can only hate someone if you truly love them, and it is impossible to hate someone you love."


Ok -the logic was very circular, but they were 9 and 5, what did they know?


So, I ran across this quotation last night on Pintrest:

No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by work.

No one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.

I would really like to hate my partner. I would really like to feel apathy (because that is the true opposite of love). I would like to NOT think about my partner.

And then, I realize I don't want to be the kind of person who is capable of hate. I don't want to ever look on another human being and feel apathy. But I would really also like to stop hurting - any day now would be good.

I did fall in love.

I didn't always know how to work on my relationship, and sometimes I did my work badly. And The Therapist took great pains to try and convince me I had done everything I could to make my relationship work. (And My Monster voice just popped up and said, "Obviously not, he still left, decided not to work on our relationship, and didn't come back." Hush a minute - I'm working.)

I have to accept that he fell out of love by choice - and that is incredibly painful. Unconsciously/consciously - for whatever reason, he did make that choice. 

I wish I knew how to make the same choice. But then, I come back to the circular argument of - I don't want to be the sort of person who can do that. 

Ugh. 

Courage

Pintrest is my not-so-secret obsession. I take great delight in "scrapboooking" clever ideas and witty sayings in one spot. I especially enjoy not having to clean up those awful paper "splits" after a scrapbooking session.

On Pintrest the other day, I came across this quotation:

"The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. 

The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves 

to the limit can never be silenced for good. 

They must always be answered by the quiet, 

the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in.

Courage.

We all suffer.

Keep going."

-- Graeme Fife

This has been tumbling around in my head ever since. 

One of the things I struggle with is feeling alone on this planet. I have my folks, my friends, and my kid. At one point I had my partner, but I have never really been heard. To be fair, it is mostly because I didn't know how to speak, and thought I didn't have the right to speak. Kinda limits the ability of others to hear when all you say is silence.

I felt like I deserved to be left alone in my marriage, that I didn't deserve my partner in the first place, and that as soon as he found someone else, he would get rid of me. I thought a "good" mother sacrificed all for her children. I thought a "good" wife sacrificed all for her partner. I know I am fat, and worried that if I spoke my pain, my partner would leave for someone more interesting/slim/better in bed than I - and I constantly edited what I said and did to avoid conflict.

I didn't do this well. I have a naturally loud mouth, and the brake between my brain and mouth is faulty, especially when I'm stressed or upset. So my silence would erupt like an emotional pustule; infection, pus, detritus, spewing across my marital landscape.  

To be absolutely clear, the battle I experience with the decision to leave my marriage is psychological. My partner has never hit me physically, and I think that he never started out to hurt me emotionally. I am absolutely convinced he loved me to the best of his ability. He has his own story, and its telling is not my place. 

To leave my marriage, I am fighting the demons that scream at me that I will never be good enough for anyone to share their life with. I feel the demons breathing in my hair that tell me I am a bad mother for even considering moving away from this situation, because children need their fathers. The demons of despair with their clawed fingers dig their weight into my shoulders, and poison me with tension and anxiety when I think about giving up and walking away. These demons are fed with fear - fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of rage when I don't comply with someone else's desires. My demons aren't telling me to give up, in fact, they are demanding that I stay - but they are screaming so loudly that I can barely hear the voice of reason saying, "Courage. We all suffer. Keep going."

I might spend the rest of my life alone. The voice of quiet, steady dignity tells me that is a better alternative than being in a relationship where there was never time for me and never time for us in our relationship. When your partner makes standing social engagements for friends, and leaves work early to get coffee with other women, but doesn't make time for "Date Night" for just you and your partner, there isn't room in their life anyway. I did try to say, "Hey, this isn't fair!" But I didn't know how to say it in a way that could be heard. Even now, it sounds like whining to my own ears. 

I do deserve better than second-hand time, and second-hand attention. The voice of quiet, steady dignity tells me that all human beings deserve relationships where they feel valued and wanted, that what I want in life isn't unreasonable, and that many people on this planet DO have relationships that are built on mutual respect and dignity.

I just wish I knew how to make that voice of quiet, steady dignity resonate deeper than the screaming panic demons. 

I Hate Valentine's Day

I always have.

I was the kid who was always "forgotten" when we traded cards at school, or I got the torn ones, or the ones that were stupid... the ones that are left over after you've addressed all the cool ones to your friends.

I thought that when I got involved with my current partner, that would all go away, and that my partner's attention would help erase all those years of hurt.

And he did. For years. Nothing ever overly romantic - but he sent a card, sometimes two - and I have them all.

This year is different.

This year we are getting divorced.

And I'm terrified that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.

I am even more terrified that I might be willing to settle for a relationship that is abusive, or not real, or something awful to avoid living the rest of my life alone.

I do love my husband, and I have assurances from The Therapist, The Greek Chorus, and my priest (Yes, I'm Catholic. Yes, my priest recommended divorce.) that divorcing is the healthiest thing that I can do - that really my husband has already moved on, and I'm the only person still in this marriage.

So, as we near Valentine's Day, I have been trying to come to grips with the reality of my situation. I've been trying to treat myself with extra kindness and compassion. I've been trying to be honest with my partner. And the other day, I was in a pit of despair and reading blogs to go to sleep relax. Marc and Angel Hack Life really is one of my favorites. I don't always agree with their perspective, so I'm not willing to endorse them as internet gurus/charismatic folk healers, but more often than not, their posts speak to me.

This week's 12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget was one of those posts.

1. All successful relationships require work - and if I'm the only one working, then what exactly am I doing? Making myself a better partner for my next relationship? Probably. That is what I am telling myself.
2. Most of the time, you get what you put in - but, if the other person isn't interested, what are ya gonna do? Shove it down their throat? Who needs that shit? That said, I do recognize where I need to learn to love/take care of/appreciate myself. If I can do those things for myself, I won't need to look for them in other people. Very unfair if you stop to think about it.
3. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot in someone's life - This is a message I wish I had heard when I was little. 
4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet - In my relationship, I did experience trust for the first time. Real, blind trust, and the security that came with it. I also learned what complete violation feels like. I learned the importance of honesty - even in the face of conflict, and that sometimes, the best thing I can do for the people I love, is to walk away. I did learn a lot from my relationship, and most of it is positive things, they just hurt right now.
5. We all change, and that's OK - I changed. I grew up. Growing pains suck. They hurt. I'm still in a lot of pain most of the time, but I think I am a stronger person, more of the sort of person I would like to be friends with, than I was. This is a good thing.
6. You are in full control of your own happiness - This is another message I wish I had heard growing up. I had unrealistic expectations of what my partner could provide in my life. I didn't know any better, but it doesn't change my behavior, nor excuse it. I was looking for a Knight in Shining armor, and my partner certainly fit the bill. He was far too clever by half, provided for his family, and had a brilliant sense of humor. I WANTED to be his wife, and brag to the world, I was Mrs. So-and-So. I didn't know how to be myself AND So-and-So's Wife. I didn't even know who Myself really was.
7. Forgiving others helps YOU - [Most of this post has been edited to protect the privacy of the other parties involved.] I still hurt. The Priest says that betrayal is one of the hardest things to truly forgive, and that if I wasn't hurt and angry that he would be worried about me. He also said that anger is normal and natural and desired, because it helps us learn when something isn't OK, and to do something about it. He did say that what we DID with our anger was sometimes problematic. Raging, screaming, violence - those are sins against each other and against G_d. So - he suggested blogging. That perhaps others could share this experience, in our common humanity. He also said that forgiveness isn't a "once and done" sort of thing - that sometimes, especially right now, forgiveness has to happen moment by moment, and to be kind to myself during this process.
8. You can't change people, they can only change themselves - Truth. And I'm the only person who can change me, and it has taken me [ahem] a fair number of years to get here... it will take me a bit longer to get where I want to be.
9. Heated arguments are a waste of time - Again. Truth. And a bigger truth is that I didn't have the skills to disagree or to advocate for my needs any other way for a very long time. This is something I still need to work on. 
10. You are better off without some people - This is something else I struggle with. For the longest time, I really thought that what I had was what I deserved, and that I should be grateful for it. I didn't know what self- respect was, and I certainly didn't have any. Working on it. 
11. Small gestures of kindness go a long way - There is something I miss from my relationship. I miss the random cards and emails where he would just say, "Hi. Thinking about you." There were a lot of issues (honestly, more than any relationship should EVER have to deal with) in our life, but those cards, and notes, and emails really got me through the worst of times. I'm learning to do these small gestures for myself now. Probably healthy - still miss the mail.
12. Even the best relationships do not last forever - Sigh. I looked forward to growing old with this person. "Just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean that it wasn't worth your while." 

Dearest Valentine,

I have learned so much from our life together. Thank you for the joy and the pain. I haven't had much joy in my life, and I can honestly say that some of the happiest times of my life were with you. I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world. The pain sucks ass. I wouldn't have volunteered for it, because I don't swing like that - but pain lets the body know something is wrong. And standing where I am today, I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world, either.

I really wish things could have worked out differently. I hate giving up on us. I hate giving up on "things that might have been." I sincerely wish you the best, and pray you find what you are looking for. 

You were totally worth my while. 

Recovery

Hi. My name is A----. I over commit myself on a regular basis. I try to please other people, and feel insecure in the face of censure and criticism. I made poor choices in the past that make my life more difficult now. I try to avoid conflict because I'm scared of people leaving me. I have problems being honest when I'm scared. I would rather deny my own needs than have someone angry with me.

The difference now is - I know this about my self.

So tonight, when I was completely honest with someone for the first time - ever - I had to catch myself and bite my tongue. The desire to cave and appease was so incredibly strong. I just wanted everything to be OK.  I wanted to be loved and reassured and comforted, and I had to not take that path - on purpose - and it was so incredibly hard.

And I am still breathing. And the world didn't end. And relationships change. And I don't have to like it, I just have to let it be what it is.

Still.... while part of me feels strong and in control and true to me, there is a part of me that would really like a hug right now. There is still fear/panic that my honesty, my vulnerability will be used against me. Being genuine is scary. Being an adult is scary. There isn't anyone here to hold your hand or to let you know that you are doing the right thing.

My friend has quotations from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi around her desk, and whilst looking for one of her quotations, I found this, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." I learned a long time ago that there was safety in silence. That if I was silent and still enough, that people wouldn't see me. If they couldn't see me, they couldn't hurt me.

Unfortunately, in my current situation, it made things worse.

I wish I had had the voice to say, "No, Stop. What you are doing is wrong."
I wish I had had the presence of self to say, "Fuck you. I'm done. I'm out."
I wish I had had the words to say, "I feel taken for granted. I feel over-whelmed. I don't know what to do, and I need help."
I wish I had had the courage to say, "Kiss my ass."

But I didn't.

I CAN speak now though. I'm a different person now than I was then. And that is a good thing. The person I am now wouldn't last a minute in that relationship.

So, I apologized to the person I care about for being a brat. I apologized for not knowing how to take care of my own needs. I apologized for not being honest. I apologized for not taking care of myself.

I don't know if the person was in a place where they could hear me. Not so much for me, but so that they know that THEY were heard. Doesn't excuse their behavior and choices. Doesn't make poor behavior OK. But I hurt someone, out of fear, out of anxiety, in silence, but I still hurt them. And I regret that more than anything.

Still Not Procrastinating... Honest

That said, I just dropped in to let the exactly zero people world who read my blog, that I haven't fallen off the wagon.  I am, admittedly, hanging on with fingernails.

I am getting back on track with grading, got some of my thesis actually written (!), and have met with my committee to revise and readjust scope.

I have also resorted to bribing The Boy to help me clean the house (a copy of Minecraft + $20) and rearrange the furniture. I also adjusted the budget so that I will be eating oatmeal and peanut butter for the rest of the month, but I washed all my clothes and bedclothes at the laundromat, and sent my shirts to the cleaners so they could be ironed.

I **DO** have a more regular (free!) laundry arrangement, but the amount of laundry I had today would have been taking advantage of that particular situation. Since I will NEED that situation for the rest of the month, I had no desire to wear out my welcome.

As for the shirts... COULD I have ironed them? Yes. Could I have done it for a heck of a lot less than I am paying? Absolutely. I am trying to free up time in my life though so I can spend time on this dang thesis, and I am not having any luck with the "not sleeping" thing.

I even resorted to ordering the cat's wet food and his kitty litter from Amazon. I can't decide if that is shameful or practical as heck. I'm going to argue that at this point in my life, it doesn't freaking matter.

On top of the usual "no time to breathe", I managed to go in for a dental cleaning, and came out with an emergency root canal, antibiotics, pain pills, and not a whole lot accomplished this week. I did sleep. Like. A. Log. But didn't get a whole lot done otherwise.

That said, the dentist gave me a Novocaine injection, and the nearly constant pain that I've had going on - went away! It was total magic... so magic I was going to sleep in the dental chair, during a root canal. Exhaustion + pain relief = Sleep.

So, I am caught up with online grading, stats grading, and have at least a lesson plan in place for tomorrow. Still need to get up in the morning and write a lecture. This whole teaching thing was easier when I didn't use PowerPoints - sigh. Yes. I caved to student pressure to produce them. At least now, I will have them in place for next term.

That's good, right?