NPC

A while back a friend posted something about not being an NPC in their own life... and of course, now I can't find it to give credit.

It is something that has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of weeks.

First, an NPC is a non-player character in role playing games. It is someone that the game master usually controls and only exists to move the plot along for the "real" characters - those played by humans. And I realized that it described my life... and I vomited.

And then I picked myself up, and decided to kick the fucking door in. <-- another gaming reference.

I had to take responsibility for my life. Make choices. Move forward. Live by what I know to be right.

I didn't take 10 to check for traps. I didn't consult with the game master. I checked the player's handbook, conferred with my copy of the GM handbook, and kicked. the. door. in.

Since then, I've been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. It is scary being the first person through the door, especially when you know you are in the dungeon alone. Mostly though - I'm ok.

Seriously. Panic aside... I really think I am ok. I am responsible for my choices, and I am ok with that. I have a plan - or at least a general direction in which I am headed.  I'll work out the details when I get to  the next fork in the path (always go to the left, btw).

I refuse to be an NPC in my own life - ever. again.

Spring

The Earth wakes from Winter sleep in
Fits and starts, fickle promises of heat and light
Reminiscent of a lover's half-whispered promises.

Half-way between Imbloc and Beltine,
Christians mark miracles of life over death, rebirth,
Reawakening of the Spirit after a desert's journey.

New life comes with birthing pain
Blood and water flow from sides and between thighs
Hearts rupture with pain and are made whole.

Blessings of this season of renewal to you and yours.

Decisions

Spending time in silence to think about choices and decisions is ... challenging... especially when the person you have spent the last ten years discussing problems with is the topic of contemplation.

So many people offer advice in times of crisis: how folks should feel, what they would do, what would be 'best'.

I think that the most relevant piece of advice I have received lately, wasn't even addressed to me. It was a friend's FaceBook status: Don't be an NPC in your own life.

Still not sure what I am going to do with that information, nor what I will do with my situation, but not being an NPC resonates with me.

I have felt invisible, unheard, unwanted for so very long, and - of this I am sure - I am done with that.

Heck. I even have some dice and a blank character sheet.