I Hate Valentine's Day

I always have.

I was the kid who was always "forgotten" when we traded cards at school, or I got the torn ones, or the ones that were stupid... the ones that are left over after you've addressed all the cool ones to your friends.

I thought that when I got involved with my current partner, that would all go away, and that my partner's attention would help erase all those years of hurt.

And he did. For years. Nothing ever overly romantic - but he sent a card, sometimes two - and I have them all.

This year is different.

This year we are getting divorced.

And I'm terrified that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.

I am even more terrified that I might be willing to settle for a relationship that is abusive, or not real, or something awful to avoid living the rest of my life alone.

I do love my husband, and I have assurances from The Therapist, The Greek Chorus, and my priest (Yes, I'm Catholic. Yes, my priest recommended divorce.) that divorcing is the healthiest thing that I can do - that really my husband has already moved on, and I'm the only person still in this marriage.

So, as we near Valentine's Day, I have been trying to come to grips with the reality of my situation. I've been trying to treat myself with extra kindness and compassion. I've been trying to be honest with my partner. And the other day, I was in a pit of despair and reading blogs to go to sleep relax. Marc and Angel Hack Life really is one of my favorites. I don't always agree with their perspective, so I'm not willing to endorse them as internet gurus/charismatic folk healers, but more often than not, their posts speak to me.

This week's 12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget was one of those posts.

1. All successful relationships require work - and if I'm the only one working, then what exactly am I doing? Making myself a better partner for my next relationship? Probably. That is what I am telling myself.
2. Most of the time, you get what you put in - but, if the other person isn't interested, what are ya gonna do? Shove it down their throat? Who needs that shit? That said, I do recognize where I need to learn to love/take care of/appreciate myself. If I can do those things for myself, I won't need to look for them in other people. Very unfair if you stop to think about it.
3. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot in someone's life - This is a message I wish I had heard when I was little. 
4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet - In my relationship, I did experience trust for the first time. Real, blind trust, and the security that came with it. I also learned what complete violation feels like. I learned the importance of honesty - even in the face of conflict, and that sometimes, the best thing I can do for the people I love, is to walk away. I did learn a lot from my relationship, and most of it is positive things, they just hurt right now.
5. We all change, and that's OK - I changed. I grew up. Growing pains suck. They hurt. I'm still in a lot of pain most of the time, but I think I am a stronger person, more of the sort of person I would like to be friends with, than I was. This is a good thing.
6. You are in full control of your own happiness - This is another message I wish I had heard growing up. I had unrealistic expectations of what my partner could provide in my life. I didn't know any better, but it doesn't change my behavior, nor excuse it. I was looking for a Knight in Shining armor, and my partner certainly fit the bill. He was far too clever by half, provided for his family, and had a brilliant sense of humor. I WANTED to be his wife, and brag to the world, I was Mrs. So-and-So. I didn't know how to be myself AND So-and-So's Wife. I didn't even know who Myself really was.
7. Forgiving others helps YOU - [Most of this post has been edited to protect the privacy of the other parties involved.] I still hurt. The Priest says that betrayal is one of the hardest things to truly forgive, and that if I wasn't hurt and angry that he would be worried about me. He also said that anger is normal and natural and desired, because it helps us learn when something isn't OK, and to do something about it. He did say that what we DID with our anger was sometimes problematic. Raging, screaming, violence - those are sins against each other and against G_d. So - he suggested blogging. That perhaps others could share this experience, in our common humanity. He also said that forgiveness isn't a "once and done" sort of thing - that sometimes, especially right now, forgiveness has to happen moment by moment, and to be kind to myself during this process.
8. You can't change people, they can only change themselves - Truth. And I'm the only person who can change me, and it has taken me [ahem] a fair number of years to get here... it will take me a bit longer to get where I want to be.
9. Heated arguments are a waste of time - Again. Truth. And a bigger truth is that I didn't have the skills to disagree or to advocate for my needs any other way for a very long time. This is something I still need to work on. 
10. You are better off without some people - This is something else I struggle with. For the longest time, I really thought that what I had was what I deserved, and that I should be grateful for it. I didn't know what self- respect was, and I certainly didn't have any. Working on it. 
11. Small gestures of kindness go a long way - There is something I miss from my relationship. I miss the random cards and emails where he would just say, "Hi. Thinking about you." There were a lot of issues (honestly, more than any relationship should EVER have to deal with) in our life, but those cards, and notes, and emails really got me through the worst of times. I'm learning to do these small gestures for myself now. Probably healthy - still miss the mail.
12. Even the best relationships do not last forever - Sigh. I looked forward to growing old with this person. "Just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean that it wasn't worth your while." 

Dearest Valentine,

I have learned so much from our life together. Thank you for the joy and the pain. I haven't had much joy in my life, and I can honestly say that some of the happiest times of my life were with you. I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world. The pain sucks ass. I wouldn't have volunteered for it, because I don't swing like that - but pain lets the body know something is wrong. And standing where I am today, I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world, either.

I really wish things could have worked out differently. I hate giving up on us. I hate giving up on "things that might have been." I sincerely wish you the best, and pray you find what you are looking for. 

You were totally worth my while.