Recovery

Hi. My name is A----. I over commit myself on a regular basis. I try to please other people, and feel insecure in the face of censure and criticism. I made poor choices in the past that make my life more difficult now. I try to avoid conflict because I'm scared of people leaving me. I have problems being honest when I'm scared. I would rather deny my own needs than have someone angry with me.

The difference now is - I know this about my self.

So tonight, when I was completely honest with someone for the first time - ever - I had to catch myself and bite my tongue. The desire to cave and appease was so incredibly strong. I just wanted everything to be OK.  I wanted to be loved and reassured and comforted, and I had to not take that path - on purpose - and it was so incredibly hard.

And I am still breathing. And the world didn't end. And relationships change. And I don't have to like it, I just have to let it be what it is.

Still.... while part of me feels strong and in control and true to me, there is a part of me that would really like a hug right now. There is still fear/panic that my honesty, my vulnerability will be used against me. Being genuine is scary. Being an adult is scary. There isn't anyone here to hold your hand or to let you know that you are doing the right thing.

My friend has quotations from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi around her desk, and whilst looking for one of her quotations, I found this, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." I learned a long time ago that there was safety in silence. That if I was silent and still enough, that people wouldn't see me. If they couldn't see me, they couldn't hurt me.

Unfortunately, in my current situation, it made things worse.

I wish I had had the voice to say, "No, Stop. What you are doing is wrong."
I wish I had had the presence of self to say, "Fuck you. I'm done. I'm out."
I wish I had had the words to say, "I feel taken for granted. I feel over-whelmed. I don't know what to do, and I need help."
I wish I had had the courage to say, "Kiss my ass."

But I didn't.

I CAN speak now though. I'm a different person now than I was then. And that is a good thing. The person I am now wouldn't last a minute in that relationship.

So, I apologized to the person I care about for being a brat. I apologized for not knowing how to take care of my own needs. I apologized for not being honest. I apologized for not taking care of myself.

I don't know if the person was in a place where they could hear me. Not so much for me, but so that they know that THEY were heard. Doesn't excuse their behavior and choices. Doesn't make poor behavior OK. But I hurt someone, out of fear, out of anxiety, in silence, but I still hurt them. And I regret that more than anything.