As a general rule, I detest lists. I'm not a "list-y" sort of person. It is a throw back to elementary school and feeling like I lacked autonomy. That said, I am also grownup enough to know that lists are the way my social world works, and if I want to survive in it, I might need to consider making my peace with them.
One of the "list" blogs I read is Marc and Angel Hack Life. It is a blog of lists containing the essential elements of the sort of life I want for myself. They read all the books I want to read, but don't have time for yet - to be fair, I have read some of the books they recommend, and the others are on request from the library or on Amazon's Wish List. The short end of that is: I hate lists but I like their lists. I find their lists useful, and not repressive. Although, I have to admit, I have struggled with some of the ideas they have shared over the years. I wasn't ready to hear them.
Today's leading photo is of a woman standing in front of a mirror. Her pose is reminiscent of Rosie the Riveter. On her hand and arm is the phrase, "Thanks. You've made me believe in personal power again."
My last post was a letter of gratitude to my STBX. I was asked if that was a true letter of gratitude, or if it was - in the Faulkner-ian sense of Southern gentility - really just bashing the STBX and couching it in terms of gratitude. And honestly, the idea had never occurred to me. I have spent the last chunk of time trying to suss out the reality of my emotions and motivations. Was I writing from a position of gratitude, or was I trying to bash?
This is important to me because I do want to be honest - one of the founding premises of this blog is about being honest and genuine, even if it is ugly. And I didn't really THINK I was being sarcastic, ugly, or manipulative - but I do want to be SURE because the person I think I am, the person I want to cultivate is an honest person.
Today's Marc and Angel post is about the 14 Rules for being YOU. Since I thought I was being honest and ME, I think that evaluating my previous post in light of these rules might be useful - I also reserve the right to be absolutely wrong.
- Get Your Priorities Straight - In twenty years I will be older than dirt. In twenty years, I want to be able to say I loved truly and honestly, with my whole heart, with compassion, and with forgiveness. I also want to be able to say that I did learn my lessons (eventually), and that I was able to teach my son how to love. I stayed married long after I should have left. I believed in that whole "better or worse, sickness and in health" thing. I believed in the sacredness of a promise made to my partner, in front of my family, my children, and my friends. I honestly thought it couldn't get any worse. I really thought that if I gave him the time he asked for, he would heal. I thought that if I worked on my own issues, that everything would be OK. I learned my lessons (see below). Am I still sad and hurt and disappointed? Yes. But I also learned from this experience, and that is what ultimately matters. With time and grace, perhaps it won't hurt as much.
- Take Full Responsibility for Your Goals: My goal in this life is to have a peaceful life. Limited drama. To have a life filled with friends and loved ones and to have a home where people want to come to share a meal and conversation. THAT is my idea of a good time. I dream of friends scattered by the miles and by the years gathered around my dinner table. I dream of laughter. To do that, I have to be comfortable in my own skin, and in my own home. I have to make choices out of genuine desire, not out of fear or to avoid conflict. In order to be in a position where I can do that without anxiety, I have to:
- Know Your Worth: For years I scrabbled for scraps of time and affection from my STBX. I was grateful for moments of time doled out to a peasant petitioner. I was treated like an option, an after thought - and I knew it. I didn't know how to say anything about it in a way that would get my needs met, or stop the behavior, or even how walk out of the situation. I reacted badly, and the hurt and loneliness and confusion all came out sideways. "When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation."
- Choose the Right Perspective: This is about where I started gaining clarity with my original pondering. I could be angry and bitter with the STBX. I could list out all the ways he has harmed me and post them all on the Internet for the world to see. He, in fact, invited me to do so - even suggested that I call him out by name. I have every right to do so. My attorney was rather stunned that I insisted on a 'no-fault' divorce. There were enough pictures, testimony, and evidence to file for four out of the ten grounds for 'fault' divorce in our state. There is a lot of room for revenge - and our society would not even bat an eye if I were to pursue any of it. In fact, I get a hell of a lot of grief for NOT being vengeful. But, it all comes down to perspective. I understand that adultery is a symptom of greater issues in a relationship - which is why I was/am willing to forgive it. Fix the bigger issues, and adultery isn't an issue any more. I could blast the STBX from now until the cows come home - publicly - and it still wouldn't change anything. I am hurt. I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel betrayed - I was betrayed. He isn't willing to work on our issues, to fix our problems, or even talk to me about them. So, I could look for the positives in this incredibly horrible situation, and learn from it - or - I could poison myself. I chose A. I'm done with B.
- Don't Let Your Old Problems Punish Your Dreams: Another thing I detest is direct quotations - just getting that out there - especially since this will make two direct quotations in one post: "Learn to let go of things you can’t control. The next time you’re tempted to rant about a situation that you think ended unfairly, remind yourself of this: You’ll never kill off your anger by beating the story to death. So close your mouth, unclench your fists, and redirect your thoughts.When left untended, the anger will slowly wither, and you’ll be left to live in peace as you grow toward a better future." Um... yeah.. that pretty much nailed that gratitude v. bash coffin shut.
- Choose Things that Truly Matter: It is true that filing for a divorce left me in a position of financial hardship. I am basically broke, and will be jobless, homeless, and husbandless for the first time in 16 years in about two weeks. It was incredibly hard to realize I am ::ahem:: almost as old as dirt, and I am going to have to move in with my mother to support my son until I can find work. It is scary as hell to be without health insurance. I am terrified to be without my STBX. (Please remember, gentle readers, despite our differences, I do love the SOB. He was my best friend and I still catch myself wanting to share things with him. I have to keep reminding myself that we don't have that kind of relationship anymore and I *miss* him.) ::straightening spine:: What matters is being treated like I matter, like I have worth, like I am a human being. By staying in that situation, I was teaching my son it was OK to let other people treat him like dirt - and that to grovel for someone's love was normal. I was teaching my son it was OK to stay with someone who disrespected him. I was teaching my son that comfort and security could be bought. I was teaching my son that raging was an appropriate way of silencing opposition, and that fear was an OK way to manage relationships. That makes my asshole pucker. I AM terrified. I am scared to death. I have to choose what really matters though.
- Love YOU: This one I struggle with. Period. I am learning though.
- Accept your Strengths and Weaknesses: I spent years comparing myself to the porn on my STBX's desk, with the pictures he would share with me, with the women he would point out. (Admittedly, I thought they were hot too - I just took the next step and thought - well, shit. I don't look like that. If he finds them hot, who is he thinking about when we make love?) I spent years comparing myself to socially constructed ideas of "good mothers" and "good wives" and "good people." Hell, I even went through several months of comparing myself to the STBX's mistress. Fuck that. I have above average smarts. I can knit a freaking sweater and socks. I read like a boss. I teach. I can cook circles around most people I know. I have survived child abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, chronic neglect, abandonment, adultery, gossip, and hate. Fuck all y'all. I'm fabulous, bitch!
- Stand up for You: Three direct quotations in a post really makes me want to vomit... "Don’t judge me until you know me, don’t underestimate me until you challenge me, and don’t talk about me until you’ve talked to me." Yeah. That really is enough said. One of the things that hurts the most about the collapse of my marriage is that my STBX would talk to his mistress about me, and not to me about me. She doesn't know me from Adam's house cat - well, slightly more than that - she was one of my instructors in college. But, really what can you know of someone from some business letter writing samples? He didn't take the time to know me either. The me that he thinks/thought I was/am - was all in his head - a self-recursive feedback loop fueled and supported by someone equally as clueless. That makes it all imaginary. I was tried, convicted, and sentenced based on faulty thinking and imagination. O_o Yeah.... just realized that one.
- Learn From Others and Move on When you Must and
- Be Honest in your Relationships are very similar: I stayed until I couldn't. Giving up on my marriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Giving up on him is awful. I understand it is healthy - but I still feel guilty and horrible. I told the Grandmother I wouldn't. I shouldn't have made a promise like that to her. I could have stayed another few months until he filed - but for all the reasons I outlined in the other post - I couldn't. It wouldn't have been honest. I love his family (with one notable exception...) and the thought of not seeing them again is so incredibly sad for me. I think that is the second meanest thing about his choices. The first was leading me on, and promising false hope. So, ultimately, I couldn't stay.
- Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable: Throughout this whole experience, I have had the support of some amazing people who supported me in my decision to stay and fight for my marriage when that was my choice, and the same people supported me in my decision to leave. One of them, after a particularly difficult day, sent me the text of J.K. Rowling's Commencement Address to the 2008 Graduating Class at Harvard. Yeah - Jobless, homeless, husbandless - pretty much rock bottom. But, I have friends who love me, and family that will support me until I can put my life back together. The only place to go once you hit bedrock, is back up. Still terrified. Still not sure how I am going to do this. But - my greatest fears have been realized, and I am still alive.
- Be Who You Were Born to Be: I was born to be loved and to love myself. I was born to celebrate life in all the quirky ways that I enjoy life. I was born because two people loved each other. I was wanted. I am someone's little girl. I understand that not all people can say that. And I cherish knowing that I was wanted and loved. I think that my STBX loved me in the best way he could love me. It doesn't excuse his behavior. It doesn't justify a single one of his hurtful choices. It doesn't make any of it OK. It also doesn't define who I am. I sacrificed my values for a while. I sacrificed myself. I was not being who I was born to be. Done with that.
- Never Give up on You: A friend told me today that she thought I was brave. She has every confidence I will be able to come through this experience with the flames of a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I told her I was scared, and that I am reluctant to share that with other people because I am also scared they will use it against me to hurt me. She quoted Nelson Mandela to me (Four!!! AGH!! FOUR!!) "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph of fear over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." I am scared. And I am still doing what I know is the right thing to do. I am not where I want to be in life. I still hurt, and I'm not in a place where I can let go of that yet. I still miss him, and one day - I won't anymore. I will get to a point where I am OK with all of this. I will get to a point where I can trust other people again. I may not have another partner in this life - the wound is that deep, but I do have friends and companions. I won't be alone.
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