An Apology

Tonight I was an extreme ass.

I was angry and hurt and sad, and I felt like I wasn't being heard - again.  I didn't understand someone's point of view, and I reacted without compassion.

I felt like my need for respect wasn't being met. I didn't want to participate in a situation where I had to sacrifice my values or self-respect in order for someone else to feel comfortable. I didn't want to participate in a situation where I felt invisible, as if my needs/feelings/desires were unimportant. I thought that if I just blindly agreed to what was being demanded of me, then I wouldn't be OK. I would feel uncomfortable. I would feel walked on.

What was being asked wasn't a request. It was a demand. It was very much a "do it my way, or don't do it at all" situation. There really are only two responses to a demand: resist or submit. I have to admit, that when it comes to this person, submitting is really incredibly hard for me to do right now. I feel really uncomfortable submitting to this person. I feel scared that this person isn't willing to "take care" of me when I do. I feel like this person takes it for granted that I will submit, and when I don't - it is a personal attack on them.

Ultimately, I felt accused. I felt like I was being treated like I had done something wrong when I hadn't. I was reacting to the inner six-year-old hollering "It's not fair!!"

Then I reflected on the times where I had accused others (particularly this person) of doing wrong, and doing harmful things without proof - real, hard, empirical proof. Sure, there were times where they let perceptions stand. There were admissions of compromising situations. There were times where our relationship was neglected and taken for granted. There were times where this person did some pretty mean and cold things - but the hard evidence wasn't there - and I didn't trust them to behave in an honorable way.

And I sat there staring at my marker, feeling like a total douche.

I had not taken the time to get my thoughts straight in my head. I was not acting like the grown up I want to be. I really was a screaming six-year-old that thought she was being picked on. I think that both of us were coming at the same situation, and we weren't really hearing each other. This person was probably worried that unless thing were written down, I might accuse them of acting dishonorably later. I didn't see the connection between this person's demand, and my own behavior. They were doing the best they could to get their needs met. I wasn't clear on what my needs were. It was a perfect storm. Like I said, I was a total ass.

Yes. I did apologize... to their voice mail. Understandably, they weren't answering their phone. I will repeat the apology in person when we talk on Saturday. And I will work harder on writing down empirical observations, trying to understand another person's perspective, and being responsible for my own behavior.