When People Show You Who They Are...

I had a falling out this week with a friend.

She was angry. Her anger was justified. The story behind it all isn't mine to tell.

She said something during the argument that has left me thinking.

She said, "Yelling is a natural response to anger." And then went on to imply that I was being overly sensitive to the act of yelling during an angry outburst.

Since this isn't the first time someone has said something like that to me (almost in those same words), I think that since I am the common denominator, I need to do some thinking about the whole idea.

I do not respond well to someone yelling at me. There is a visceral "fight or flight" reaction. For some people the trigger is stronger than others. Males seem to illicit a flat out panic attack. My friend's behavior triggered the same reaction.

Here is what I know:

• They are reactions - and that means I can learn to control the reactions
• I haven't learned to control the reactions yet.
• There are only specific triggers that illicit the response. My kid yelling at me doesn't do the same thing.
• I can't control other people's behavior.

Here is what I am wondering:

• Is yelling a natural response to anger?
• Am I being overly sensitive to normal expressions of emotions?

What I think:

I think that yelling when angry is a cultural norm. That means it isn't "natural" but something learned. And that people can learn another response to the emotion of angry. I think there is a lot of energy that is tied up with the feeling of angry, and that energy needs to be let out. I think it is an act of violence to let that energy out at other people. It hurts them, so why do it? Especially, when it is someone we care about?

Thinking back to the last two times (because they were recent) that I experienced this response, the other person really did have other crap wrapped up in their anger that went beyond what was being thrown at me. Anger over past choices they made, anger over past things that other people had done to them, sadness, hurt - all this really painful stuff (again, not my story to share). The anger was venomous. It was meant to hurt me. It wasn't about solving the problem. It wasn't even about expressing their own feelings of hurt/disappointment/sadness.

I'm thinking mostly about the book The Law of the Garbage Truck. I think that I need to revisit it. I can recognize that what is happening in these situations isn't about me. I do think the other people involved blame me for their circumstances. I also recognize there is a part of me that still desperately wants to "make it better" for both of these people - and I can't. I can't change the past for either of them. I can't wave a wand and fix the situation and their hurt.

What do I need to do to Take Care of Me:

• One of the people (person A) I am experiencing conflict with, I can't walk away from (lots of reasons, just accept they are a permanent feature in my life). This person has gotten better at not yelling, but still dumps. I think I will revisit the Garbage Truck book and work on regulating my responses more.
• The other person - I'm not sure about. I care about this person. Even though person A engaged in dumping more regularly, and over a longer period of time, I feel like person B violated my trust in a way that I am not certain CAN be repaired. Person B knew about my issues before this incident, and had experienced similar events in the past in their own history. I would like to not make a judgement about their behavior, but I also think that perhaps that relationship needs to be put aside for a while. Person B's anger was justifiable, but their violence towards me in their anger was not. I don't want to live in fear that I might do something to trigger their anger in the future, and experience this again. I worry that since this happened once, it might happen again. And since my child is often involved in my relationship with person B, that he might become a target for such an attack. 

I hate that. I really do. I do care about person B. I understand this person is under a lot of stress right now, personally, financially, and that this incident was really about past disappointments and hurt. I think I need some time/space/??? I don't like eliminating people from my life, but I can't help but think this is in my best interest.

Fuck.