Hi, my name is A----..

and I identify as a feminist. That probably isn't the most important thing about me - but it is what shapes this blog, so it is important to get out there right off.

Because I am a feminist who also teaches sociology, I believe that my lived experience shapes my version of reality, and in turn shapes how I interact with the rest of the world. Since you (my readers) are the part of the world, I think it is fair to let you know how my position in time and space impacts my writing.

Wow - that sounds like mental masturbation - even to me.

Try this again...

Hi. My name is A----. I am a female human who lives in the United States. I grew up in a politically conservative household - although I've gotten better. I have survived sexual molestation and domestic violence. I am a non-traditional student. I am a mom. I live with major depressive disorder. I weigh 260.8 pounds. I teach college students. I also knit socks... for fun... seriously.

I do not know how to treat myself with compassion. I have learned - really well - how to be "nice" to other people, but not myself.

My goal for the next year is to learn how to be honest with myself, and to live a more authentic life. I can feel the academic in me wanting to contextualize "to live a more authentic life". I've been reading a number of books over the last year, and I have a pretty good idea of what that is SUPPOSED to mean - but I don't know what it means to me. Is it the reality I've been shaping for myself for the last 30-some-odd years? That seems/seemed pretty darn real, especially since I had no clue that life can/could be lived any other way. Or is it the reality I wish my life could be? That seems pretty darn "magical thinking" - and more likely to set me up for failure. I honestly don't know the answer.

A few things have come together lately that have indicated that this blog is necessary. Obese people experience stigma, cruelty, and generalized lack of compassion on a daily basis. Sometimes lives have to fall apart, so they can be rebuilt on a solid foundation of honesty. And no matter how much I beat myself up - or let others beat me up - I can only do what I can do right now. And, most importantly, I realized that I cannot be a decent parent without learning to treat myself with compassion.

I am the person who is supposed to teach my son how to be a grownup. And I honestly don't like the grownup I have become. I've read The Happiness Project and Dr. Neff's book on Self-Compassion. I've taken Jeff Brown's NVC workshop and read Marshall Rosenberg's books. Mostly, I feel rather the same about my life as I do my thesis - I've been doing a lot of research, and very little writing. So - I am going to do my best to write myself out of this hole. I think that I need to learn how to live, and I think that other people need to know they aren't alone out there. I'm not promising you a happy ending. I do promise to be as honest as I know how to be.